Just got this in my e-mail regarding a FAQ for an Australian Web site. Can anyone suggest similar Q&A for Bonaire?

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie. (not sure what happened to question #20)

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna BoysChoir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. [this is NOT true!]

19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

21. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?(USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

22. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

LOL, Jake. Love the last one.

Equivalent questions for Bonaire.

Does the water go all the way around?

Do you have hippo races?

[GRIN]

Preliminary answers for Cecil:

Does the water go all the way around?
Did you skip Geography class when they discussed the concept of "islands"?

Do you have hippo races?
Yes, but here, we call the hippos "cruiseship passengers"... They're slower than hippos, too...

So more:
Are there dangerous sharks around Bonaire?
Not that we know of, so if you see a Great White, please ask it to pose for a picture so we have proof otherwise

Is there a McDonalds drive-thru on the island?
To quote David Bowie: This is not America

Can I come to work on Bonaire?
Sure... Slavery has been officially abolished, but for you, we'll make an exception

Working on others... ;-)

jake, i love it...

1. Where are donkey races?
2. Where are the flamingo races?
3. Where are the goat races?
4. Where are the iguqna races?
5. where is the underwater marine park?
6. Do I have to have a C-card on Bonaire to dive?
7. Does the coral rubble hurt your feet?
8. Do you have cheese on Bonaire?
9. Can I buy ice on Bonaire?
10. Do they have "no see ums" on Bonaire like we have in the states?
11. I am bringing my kevlar dive gloves and spear, where is the best place to go spear fishing on bonaire? (Oh, and I would also like to know the best type of coral to take home with me)

does that getcha started?

Q: I hear that Small Wall is a clothing-optional beach/reef. Is this true? (USA)

Q: Where can I sign up for a guided, walking tour of the underwater marine park?

rotflmao rusty!

Q: I hear that Small Wall is a clothing-optional beach/reef. Is this true? (USA)
A. Yes, but only if you are able to saunter gracefully back and forth in front of the North and South Beach cams with no shoes.

Q. Where are the donkey, flamingo, goat and iguana races?
A. These are wild animals of Bonaire, and some are protected, what makes you think...OK, I give up..."They are held at the 'beach' at 1000 steps. In order to watch, you are required to help carry at least 2 of the above animals down the stairs safely."

Q. Where is the underwater marine park?
A. Huh? Bonaire is an ISLAND...surrounded by a REEF...Ok, I give up...Drive to the Monument Park at the north end of the island, drive inland at the park as far as you can go on the dirt road. You will find a map there.

Q.Do I have to have a C-card on Bonaire to dive?
A. Of course not! We don't care about your safety, or the safety of others...just come on down and grab a tank!

Q. Does the coral rubble hurt your feet?
A. What coral rubble?

Q. Do you have cheese on Bonaire?
A. No, our goats and donkeys don't produce milk for cheese production. You will have to go to California for cheese, by what I hear, they have the best.

Q. Can I buy ice on Bonaire?
A. No, we don't have refrigerators on Bonaire, we are a desert island. All your drinks will be served warm.

Q. I am bringing my kevlar dive gloves and spear gun, where is the best place to go spear fishing on bonaire? (Oh, and I would also like to know the best type of coral to take home with me)
A. First stop would be the Police Station, to inform them of your plans. They will tell you where to go after that.

Will my dry suit with one layer of thermal underwear be warm enough, or do I need to bring an extra set of long johns?

Can I drink the water?

Do you have indoor plumbing?

My answers to the above...

Where are donkey races?
On most streets just outside of the rural areas... they race in front of your car.

Where are the flamingo races?
On the flamingo circuit of course...

Where are the goat races?
During the break of the donkey races

Where are the iguqna races?
In our garden, mostly. Or, any place where locals try to catch them to make soup of them.

where is the underwater marine park?
DINGDONG! How about underwater?!

Do I have to have a C-card on Bonaire to dive?
No, those are only valid on Curacao. We use B-cards (and Aruba has the A-cards)

Does the coral rubble hurt your feet?
Not if you stand on one leg, which is why the flamingos do it

Do you have cheese on Bonaire?
Not if you wash your feet regularly

Can I buy ice on Bonaire?
Sure, we are very near Antartica (we even have a lost pinguin here)

Do they have "no see ums" on Bonaire like we have in the states?
Yes, when a couple of locals are breaking into your car, one stands guard and tells the other "no see um"...

I am bringing my kevlar dive gloves and spear, where is the best place to go spear fishing on bonaire? (Oh, and I would also like to know the best type of coral to take home with me)
Next to Plaza Resort there's the house of the Governor, he's an avid fan of spearfishing and coral robbing. If you ring his doorbell and ask if you can access the water from his house, he'll help you out.

I hear that Small Wall is a clothing-optional beach/reef. Is this true? (USA)
Yes. Sure. Go right ahead.

Where can I sign up for a guided, walking tour of the underwater marine park?
Duh... At the underwater marine park centre, of course. Bring air if the queue is long.

Will my dry suit with one layer of thermal underwear be warm enough, or do I need to bring an extra set of long johns?
No need, we have electric heaters with long extension cords to take into the water with you.

Can I drink the water?
Why are you asking, are your lips sewn up?

Do you have indoor plumbing?
No, everything is outdoor here

Next!

Ok Marc, yours are better than mine...ROTFLMAO...jake, i hope you are reading these! oh, and marc, nice answers to Linnea's to

A couple of variants on a few of these:

Q: I hear that Small Wall is a clothing-optional beach/reef. Is this
true? (USA)
A: Only if you pass the stringent requirements of our nudity review committee. For women that would be Jake, Harrie, and Marc. For men it would be Linda, Dara, and Kitty. You may gain preapproval by sending the appropriate party nude pictures of yourself.

Q: Does the coral rubble hurt your feet?
A: No, unless you stand on it without shoes on.

Q: I am bringing my kevlar dive gloves and spear, where is the best place to go spear fishing on bonaire? (Oh, and I would also like to know the best type of coral to take home with me)
A: Drive north to BOPEC, hop in the water, and swim a short distance east/northeast - about 30 miles should do it. You'll then be in Bonaire's Curacao Marine Park which is perfect for such activities. And fire coral is the best to take. Make sure to use only the backs of your hands (without gloves), otherwise you'll leave hand prints which will decrease its value on the open market.

Jake

ok, i vote for jake's coral rubble answer,

and a combination of marc and jake's spearfishing answer...

I am bringing my kevlar dive gloves and spear, where is the best place to go spear fishing on bonaire? (Oh, and I would also like to know the best type of coral to take home with me)

A. Next to Plaza Resort there's the house of the Governor, he's an avid fan of spearfishing and coral robbing. If you ring his doorbell and ask if you can access the water from his house, he'll help you out. The other option is to drive north to BOPEC, hop in the water, and swim a short distance east/northeast - about 30 miles should do it. You'll then be in Bonaire's Curacao Marine Park which is perfect for such activities. And fire coral is the best to take. Make sure to use only the backs of your hands (without gloves), otherwise you'll leave hand prints which will decrease its value on the open market.

and of course, i am sure you all like jake's nude beach answer (where is harrie anyway?)

Warning to anyone reading this thread - go to the bathroom first, DO NOT read it if you have to go potty! I laughed so hard......

"laughed so hard, I thought I'd die.
Don't think my pants will ever dry."

How much does it cost to park in the Marine Park?

Q: How much will the subscription cost for the "Where's the Beef Nude Reef Cam"?

ROFLMBO!!! And saving this thread for future reference!

Q: Does the wind blow on Bonaire?

Oh, yes, and also:

Q: Do they really take salt from the salt pier?

Jake

Very good - here are my 10

1. Q: Are there Alligators in Bonaire. (USA)
A: Not any more the Donkeys ate them.

2. Q: Are Bonaire’s sharks dangerous. (UK)
A: Only the ones not in the water

3. Q: How long does take to drive to Bonaire from Curacao. (CAN)
A: You will only be driving for a few minutes
.
4. Q: Are any Muslims in Bonaire. (USA)
A: No the pacifists scared them away.

5. Q: How much does the $10 a head buffet cost. (USA)
A: Sorry I don’t know – I am new here. (Waiter at the Plaza).

6. Q: Can you wear gloves in Bonaire (GER)
A: Yes before and after any dive

7. Q: Is car crime problem in Bonaire. (AUS)
A: technically no- if you rent a truck.

8. Q: When can I night dive (FRA)
A: anytime after sunset .

9. Q: Can you swim with Dolphins in Bonaire. (GER)
A: One of the waiters at the Plaza (5A) is planning to get one for the hotel pool and very likely during the journey from (3).

10. Q: Will I get charged excess baggage for my three craters of Miller light. (USA)
A: Not if you share it with the flight crew.

11. Q: Is car crime problem in Bonaire. (USA)
A: No - A car has never been found guilty of any crime on Bonaire

Q: Is there a subway station near the Street Cam?

Q: Is the Small Wall Underwater Cafe open year-round?

so fun to read this

Q. Why doesn't the Salt Pier disolve?

Q. Does mining the salt make the ocean less salty?

Aquaman

Q: If parrotfish eat coral - won't the coral reef disappear in the future? Shouldn't there be a law against it?

Q: Do any famous people visit Bonaire? Where can they be seen?

In a similar vein.

http://www.snopes.com/humor/question/rangers.htm

Q: Hey, where do y'all keep the Large Wall Reef? (Texas, USA)

How much will the subscription cost for the "Where's the Beef Nude Reef Cam"?
Just $99 for a week. Or, you can get a discount if you appear in front of the cam yourself.

Does the wind blow on Bonaire?
No, but I hear the girls at Pachi do...
(Sorry, couldn't resist )

Do they really take salt from the salt pier?
Who told you that? Of course not, that's where they *inject* the salt into the ocean... that's why it's so salty

Is there a subway station near the Street Cam?
The only Subway is at the Lourdes shopping mall...

Is the Small Wall Underwater Cafe open year-round?
Sure, but they're only serving water

Why doesn't the Salt Pier disolve?
Because it's specially coated salt

Does mining the salt make the ocean less salty?
Read my answer above, silly

If parrotfish eat coral - won't the coral reef disappear in the future? Shouldn't there be a law against it?
The police have tried arresting them, but they got confused when they couldn't cuff the fish. So now the Bestuurscollege is debating what to do about it. BTW, you know about Lenny? That was really the name of a giant parrotfish.

Do any famous people visit Bonaire? Where can they be seen?
Jennifer Lopez was here last week, at Sorobon Beach Resort... oh wait, that was just a dream... I did see Henny Huisman though! (all non-Dutch people, repeat after me: "WHO??")

Hey, where do y'all keep the Large Wall Reef? (Texas, USA)
It's still on the drawing board. Construction goes slow here, you know...

Marc, Who is Henny Huisman???

Linda, I'll send you my picture, I want to get my preapproval... "You may gain preapproval by sending the appropriate party nude pictures of yourself.
"

Hey, Martini! I remember that pic...the one with you in the tiara and the cat under the bench???

Hazel, nope... I've emailed it to you ....

i want to see it too martin

Cynde, no you don't but it's on it's way...

From Martin:

---

quote:

party nude pictures

---

Cynde,

I found Martin's picture rather frightening. Angela must have been feeding him all too well in the last few months. And he's gotten hairier too! ;-)

Jake

PS And no Martin, you can't post it here...

Q: Are air fills free?

A: Only during hurricanes and since Bonaire is INSIDE the hurricane belt - NO!

Jake, that's what I thought... I've got the feeling I'm getting to know you better and better